


One Kiss

by zukoslover



Category: Star Wars - All Media Types, Star Wars Prequel Trilogy, Star Wars: The Clone Wars (2008) - All Media Types
Genre: Gen, M/M
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-08-04
Updated: 2017-04-10
Packaged: 2018-04-12 23:50:05
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 2,960
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4499565
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/zukoslover/pseuds/zukoslover
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>“Confession is not betrayal. What you say or do doesn't matter; only feelings matter. If they could make me stop loving you-that would be the real betrayal.”<br/>--George Orwell, 1984</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

The slanting rays of first light filtered through the slits in the window shutter and illuminated the bare torso of the man slumbering on the bed. The sparse line of hair trailing down his navel gleamed red-gold. On closer examination, his upper body was muscular with defined pectorals and sculpted biceps, indicating that his daily life included much strenuous activity. The other man in the bed was awake, his tousled blonde head propped up on his elbow as he carefully watched the other man for signs of wakefulness. But evidently his stare was not felt, for the former's sleep went on undisturbed. The man sighed with unmistakeable relief, and reached out a tentative hand to the other. It touched his face, trembled; then began to trace his lips, fingers ghosting over them tenderly. He seemed to gain in confidence, and moved over to cup his jaw, his thumb tracing the shape of the man's closed eyes, his brow, the slope of his nose, lingering at the depression between his nose and forehead, then moving on to remain on his slightly darkened right under-eye. A drawn out, shuddering breath escaped his lips, whether from pain or pleasure it was impossible to tell - perhaps a mixture of both. Eventually he removed his hand and simply settled for grazing the others cheek with his knuckles. He wore a curious expression of profound serenity interwoven with an underlying sorrow. The peaceful picture presented by the two was interrupted by a single word from the man who was, supposedly, asleep.

'Anakin?'

The blonde man - Anakin - froze, the back of his hand still against the others beard. He seemed unable to move or look away, caught in his actions. 

'Obi-Wan, you - I, uh, thought you were asleep.'

'Are you in - my bed?' Slight bewilderment coloured Obi-Wan's voice as his eyes slanted up at Anakin and then squinted in confusion when he noticed the hand against his face. 'What're you doing?'

A lull and then - 'I..don't know.' He sounded unsure of himself, conflicted even.

Obi-Wan made to get up, but a slight pressure on his shoulder stopped him. Anakin's eyes were tightly shut.

'Please don't. It's easier this way.' _If I don't have to look at you_ , was implied.

The ginger haired man ignored the request and sat up fully to face the other man. His hand reached up to lightly and fondly encircle his friend's face, unconsciously mimicking Anakin's previous actions.

'What's going on?'

He did not respond, instead clutching Obi-Wan's hand to his face with his durasteel one. His face was tormented.

'I - I _can't_. Not about this, Master.' 

Anakin missed the brief flash of hurt that flickered across Obi-Wan's face. He had not expected to be so instantly rebuffed in this rare moment of openness.

'I see. If you won't tell me what it is, at least let me know if something's wrong.'

Anakin opened his eyes and Obi-Wan was shocked to see they were shining brightly. He opened his mouth to speak, and the words fell out slowly.

'No, nothing's wrong, I mean, I'm not hurt or anything if that's what you're thinking.' 

Obi-Wan breathed a sigh of relief. He had been fearing the worst.

'Then what - but you won't confide in me will you?' He said, more bitterly than he had intended. 'Fair enough - I don't suppose I really have that right anymore.'

Anakin visibly started at his remark. 

'What do you mean by _that_?'

'Merely that you are no longer my Padawan and so I can no longer expect to inspire such confidence.'

'So, I'm not your burden anymore, is that what you mean? You must be so relieved to finally be able to wash you're hands of me!' spat out Anakin.

Obi-Wan hadn't expected such a vehement reaction.

'I did not say that, nor did I mean it. You are twisting my words out of proportion,' he replied testily.

'What did you mean then, _Obi-Wan_?' His name this time, purposefully, not Master. How was it that with him and Anakin a simple conversation could so easily escalate, treading into both their insecurities and skirting deep rooted issues? He scrubbed a palm across his beard.

'I _meant_ that as much as I would like to grill you about whatever it is that's bothering you, whatever's brought this' - he gestured at Anakin - 'on, I must respect your privacy. That is all.'

His words had the intended affect as Anakin slumped down, as quickly as he had been aroused to anger. _So very_   _mercurial_.

'Sorry, Master, I didn't mean to - it's just, all this time I couldn't wait to be a Knight, to finally have you look at me as an equal and now-' he broke off, his voice catching with trapped feelings.

'And now?' Obi-Wan asked, gently.

'Now..there's no reason for you to bother with me anymore.' He whispered, almost inaudibly. 

Obi-Wan was floored, to say the least. Of all the things he had been expecting, this was far down the list. His heart expanded in his chest with some unidentified emotion, until he felt as if it would burst. 

'And that's why you were here, in my room? Watching me sleep, because you were afraid you were going to lose me?' _You're a fool, my former apprentice_.

'Partly, that, yes, and...other things.'

'Are they equally as ominous?' He asked, amused. He knew Anakin did not find the situation remotely hilarious, but to him Anakin's fears were almost absurd.

Anakinnarrowed his eyes at him.

'You think this is funny, don't you?'

Obi-Wan couldn't repress the smile that rose to his lips.

'Anakin surely you must know - I could no more cut of my own arm than I could cut you loose! And honestly, I thought, well, that you'd be glad to be rid of me.' He admitted, somewhat shamefacedly after hearing Anakin's own fears, that they reflected his own.

'Glad to be rid of you, Master!'

Anakin looked offended, as if such a thing was unheard off, which seemed rather unfair considering how often he had complained about having Obi-Wan as a Master in his adolescent years. He looked around, as if expecting some help from the furniture, then appeared to come to some decision as he steeled himself.

'Obi-Wan,' he said, earnestly, almost desperately as he grasped his shoulders, fingers digging in hard. 'You need to know - no, it's better if I show you.'

And then he kissed him. (And Obi-Wan's world turned upside down.)

He would have almost preferred being slapped across the face.

For all the experience of his years, he had never kissed a man before. He didn't know what he was excepting, but it was certainly not this. For one thing, it wasn't physically much different from kissing a woman, and yet at the same time completely different. His mind registered a few fleeting impressions - warm, soft press of a mouth, smoothly shaven cheeks caressing his own - and then Anakin was pulling away and it was over, all too soon. 

Obi-Wan gaped at him, stunned into silence. 

'Now you know. I have nothing more to hide.'

Obi-Wan could say nothing in reply, the words flying over his head. It was as though there was some kind of fog dulling his brain, slowing his cognitive ability. He still could not process the fact Anakin had _actually kissed him_. His mind refused to budge forward beyond that point, stuck at that single moment in time, unable to accept its reality.

Through his clouded gaze he dimly registered that Anakin had stiffened in the ensuing silence, and his expression had become closed off, unreadable. _He only does that when he's really upset...or hurt_. The thought  struck him with surprising clarity, considering that he felt like he'd been drugged. His lungs felt impossibly tight - for one wild insane second he thought Anakin was cutting off his air supply with the Force. Then he realised he'd forgotten to breathe in his shocked state, and swallowed lungfuls of air, burying his head in his hands as he did so. He did not want to see his friend's face.

'It's not true- I don't believe it.'

'Do you really think I would lie to you about this?'

'Its some of kind of misunderstanding.'

'Look in the Force then, if you don't believe me.'

But he couldn't possibly bring himself to do that, fearful as he was of the confirmation.

'I just- don't understand _why_? He asked weakly.

'Why?' Echoed Anakin, incredulous. 'Why _not_? Who else is there, has ever been there, for me anyway?'

'That's different, I'm your Master!'

'Not anymore. That's why I didn't tell you...earlier.' He laughed, a hollow dry sound. 'Well, to be honest, I've only lately seen this for what it is.'

Obi-Wan grasped onto that statement like it was a lifeline.

'Then it's entirely possible you've misunderstood! You're just confusing our relationship for something it's not.' _For something it can never be, surely - can't he see that?_.

'Search the Force for my feelings, Obi-Wan,' he demanded.

And he did so, reluctantly opening up their training bond until Anakin's very Force presence mingled with his. What he discovered had him breathless once again, reeling from the powerful emotions. Moreover, he had a sneaking suspicion this wasn't the half of it, and that Anakin was (wisely) hiding things behind surreptitiously erected shields. _Afraid he'll scare me away?_  If only that was still a possibility, but nothing - not even this - could make him leave his best friend.

 _Attachment_. But he refused to search further into the manner of that attachment. _Down that path lies only grief and pain. But I must handle this carefully, if I don't wish to lose him. Or worse, send him spiralling into darkness._ It was not arrogance that made him think thus, but rather what he had sensed in the Force. Something told him that outright rejection was not the way to go about this.

'Anakin,' he said at length. 'That was...unexpected. I see I was incorrect in my earlier assumptions.'

'I had a feeling you would say that. Don't worry, Master, I don't expect you to - I don't expect anything from you.'

'That is good to know,' he said faintly.

'I just thought it wouldn't do any good to keep it in the dark anymore. Even though you'd never have noticed if I hadn't said anything.' There was a hint of rueful amusement in his voice.

'Anakin..,'he began, then trailed off. 'You need to give me some time to think about this. Don't worry,' he added quickly. 'I'm not condemning you, I just..need to search my feelings. I need to meditate.'

'Meditate?' Anakin asked, numbly.

'Er..yes?'

'You're not - how - _what_?'

Obi-Wan blinked.

'Aren't you supposed to say it's forbidden by the Code, that we are Jedi and forbidden to lo- have such feelings, and then give me a lecture on attachment? To tell me to forget how I feel because nothing will ever happen between us?'

The memory of Siri slammed into him, tinged with loss and sadness and fear. How they had decided on just that, which had resulted in him eventually losing a dear friend. How he hadn't realised his mistake until she was dead and it was too late.

Obi-Wan wasn't sure how to answer that with anything but the truth.

'I don't want to drive you away from me. I can't lose you, Anakin, not ever.' It was the truth, raw and unfiltered, as he hardly ever even admitted to himself. His life without Anakin in it would be drab and colourless, a pale imitation of what it once was. 

A wave of emotion rose up on Anakin's face - he looked like he wanted to kiss him again, but was holding himself back with effort, for which Obi-Wan was decidedly grateful. He didn't know if he could handle another one of Anakin's kisses.

'Nothing could make me hate you. Nothing.'

The Force tightened around him; Obi-Wan felt his vision blur. He could smell smoke, feel the singe of flames. A beloved presence, twisted beyond recognition, screaming, _I hate you!_ The words rang in his ears, echoing.

Then the vision cleared, and the memory of it began to fade almost as quickly as it had come - though the ominous feeling lingered. He shivered, and then it was gone.

Obi-Wan pressed Anakin's hand.

'I know.'


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “Because, if you could love someone, and keep loving them, without being loved back . . . then that love had to be real. It hurt too much to be anything else.”  
> ― Sarah Cross, Kill Me Softly

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This update is woefully late..might as well be another story

 

It had been a month since Anakin's shocking proclamation - well, not so much a proclamation as a demonstration. To Obi-Wan's surprise and intense relief things had gone on much the same as before - that is, fighting ceaselessly on the battlefront, ~~worming~~ negotiating their way out of impossible circumstances, being thrust into life-threatening situations - the usual. Their ability to function as the Team had not been hampered; yet their dynamic was no longer the same. A result, Obi-Wan knew, of his own discomfort with Anakin's revelation. Though he wouldn't go so far as to say he hadn't thought about it at all, he had been able to put it out of his mind quite successfully, mostly by avoiding unnecessary interactions with his fellow Jedi. 

In fact, most surprisingly of all, was that Anakin had given no indication whatsoever that the conversation had even taken place. He knew his former apprentice was not a patient man, so this particular brand of behaviour was rather disturbing. Obi-Wan could almost convince himself that it had been a dream, had never happened at all, but then he would reach out to their bond and those intoxicating emotions would overwhelm him. The Force never lied. 

Despite his promise to meditate on his feelings, Obi-Wan was at a loss of what to do. And he was uncomfortably aware of the reason - he was having difficulty accepting Anakin's feelings for him. It was simply so..inconceivable. Their bond was profound and intense, true, more so than the typical Master and Padawan bond but could it truly morph into something deeper? Could he allow it to?  

He did not have the answers, and it frustrated him. Obi-Wan rather guiltily resolved to ignore the matter until he was forced to confront it. After all, everything had been going smoothly all this time, hadn't it?

*** 

If Anakin's presence in the force was the blinding, burning brilliance of a thousand suns- as the other Jedi claimed, and often complained, that it was- then Obi-Wan was a beacon of light and purity in the Force. He felt like a true Jedi; how all Jedi should feel in Anakin's opinion, but few did. He knew the Force coursed through himself far more strongly, as evidenced by the fact that the few times he had opened himself up to it completely, it had verged on being agonising. But in Obi-Wan he sensed so much light that it was breathtaking; he was literally a child of the Light, favoured by the Force, so deeply was he steeped in it. It had attracted Anakin to him since he was a child, gravitating instinctively to that beckoning wellspring of the Force. He knew Obi-Wan was characteristically unaware of this, modest as he was to the extreme. A saying of Master Yoda's curled into his thoughts. _Luminous being are we...not this crude matter_. And if luminous beings they were indeed, then Obi-Wan outshone them all, for all the brightness of Anakin's own Force presence. If Padme was beauty embodied in living flesh, then Obi-Wan was the equivalent in the Force.

And it was this Jedi that Anakin wanted to fill the emptiness that crushed his chest every single day. 

He longed for a look, a smile, a touch, _anything_ from his Master (never former Master, never that, for he was and always would be _his_ Master) _._ Even a frown or remonstration would have been appreciated, preferable at least to this absolute ignorance of his existence. Not that Obi-Wan was outright ignoring him, oh no. He spoke to him if he had to, but only if he had to; somehow, throughout the entire mission he had found himself so very occupied that he barely had time to spare Anakin a glance. Whatever he was busy with involved talking to absolutely everyone but Anakin, which was no doubt difficult considering he was the fellow General in command, and yet Obi-Wan managed to pull it off with consummate skill.

It was all very disheartening, considering he had spilled his heart out not long ago. Could it be a sign from Obi-Wan of his feelings on the matter, which he was too kind to actually share with Anakin for fear of hurting him? The thought of Obi-Wan not feeling the same way, whether he chose to act on them or not, was chilling. He had been so certain, from the hints in the Force...But no, if that was the case then Obi-Wan would have told him - it would be very unlike him to leave Anakin hanging if there was no hope. What was far more likely, knowing Obi-Wan, was that he was uncomfortable with the situation and was trying to avoid it, in the faint hope that it would all somehow go away. But Anakin had fixed on this course of action and would not be deterred or cowed by _Obi-Wan_ , of all people, no matter how unapproachable he made himself. He had decided from the onset that he would have patience, for all that Obi-Wan always complained that he was sorely lacking in that particular Jedi attribute. 

But a month had now passed, and matters remained much the same. Obi-Wan was more than happy to take advantage of his new-found patience and did not try to question it, even though Anakin _knew_ he was both suspecting and curious about the change _._ Patience, he eventually came to conclude, was overrated.

 


End file.
